Dealing with a Mentor-Protege MISmatch

by Barry Sweeny, 2003

INDEX:

• It's Not as Frequent a Problem as You May Think
• 1. Set Yourself Up for Success BEFORE Problems Occur
• 2. Don't Use Deficit Language
• 3. Try to Resolve Conflicts as They Surface
• 4. Plan a Mismatch Check About One Month After Mentoring Starts
• 5. Discussing the Possibility of a Mismatch
• 6. Actually Dissolving the Mismatch

It's Not as Frequent a Problem as You May Think

In my four years of work as a mentoring program coordinator I worked with more than 160 mentors and only once did I experience the problem of an inappropriate person who wanted to become a mentor. I believe this success was because of the inclusive approach to mentor selection and matching strategies which I have described elsewhere that we used. My extensive experience since that time has born out this hypothesis. Matches that are proactively and thoughtfully made are quite successful and mismatches are very infrequent.

Interestingly, it was in this same specific case mentioned in the first sentence of this article, that I discovered the value of the mismatch strategy I want to share. This strategy is a vital companion to the more inclusive approaches to mentor selection, but it should be done in every program regardless of selection methods used.

The Best Practice Mismatch Strategy

Ending a mentoring relationship prematurely can be a traumatic, hurtful ìlose-loseî experience for everyone involved if it is not properly handled. Here is what I have found will make it work as positively as can be expected for everyone involved.

1. Set Yourself Up for Success BEFORE Problems Occur

A. Point out when you ask a person to be a mentor and again in the initial mentor training that mentor-protege matching is an inexact science.

You do not know much about the real needs of a new employee at the point at which they are just hired and a mentor is assigned to them. If the protégé is an existing employee, the program is in a better position to make an excellent and appropriate match, but even then, mistakes can happen.

B. Explain that it is reasonable to assume that, as more is learned about the needs of the protégé that, in some few cases, it will become clear that the wrong match was made and it is no one's fault.

Explain that the program has a ìno-fault divorceî policy because it is primarily focused on effectively addressing the needs of the protégé. If what was planned does not address those needs, a new match makes good common sense.

C. Point out that this does not (it doesn't) mean that a mentor is a bad mentor. It is assumed that all mentors are strong employees. What is DOES MEAN is that the mentor's strengths were not those needed by this specific protege

D. It is also assumed that all protégés will be open to mentoring and defer somewhat to the experience and wisdom of their mentor. If this is not the case, a new match may help and the change would be more about the protégé than it is about the mentor.

E. Repeat the same message to protégés when they are told they will have a mentor and when they are together at any orientation meetings.

F. Be sure to emphasize that there will be a mismatch check with every mentoring pair. This is vital so that if it becomes necessary to discuss a mismatch, the people will not feel "singled out".

G. Also, point out what is said in the next section about how conflicts are not necessarily bad, since they can lead to learning and improvement.

Conflicts are a natural result of putting diverse people together and asking them to work as partners. If a mentoring pair can work through conflicts by valuing how diverse they are, the richness of their different view points, background, and experience, THEN they can LEARN a great deal more from each other, precisely because they are NOT thinking the same way. Seen from this perspective, differences are a strength, not a weakness of any relationship.

2. DON'T Use Deficit Language

When discussing the mismatch, use THAT specific term, "MISmatch". It places the responsibility for the problem in the rightful place, the PROGRAM.

Do not describe the situation with any of the following language:

• Bad match
• Poor match

These terms can be perceived as placing the BLAME on PEOPLE, (which is to be avoided).

3. Try to Resolve Conflicts as They Surface

When a mentor and protégé are not working well together, it is not necessarily time to dissolve and remake a match. Conflicts are a part of all human relationships. AND, the goal is NOT to avoid conflicts!!

Conflicts can be productive opportunities, IF they are handled very carefully. Conflicts can lead to terrific spurts of learning for the partners.

Basically, a conflict is a disagreement, and not every disagreement need be fatal to a mentor-protege relationship. Also, LEARNING how to better resolve conflicts is a valuable process in itself.

Although a supervisor may become involved at this point, the lead should be taken by a mentoring program coordinator who should use effective mentoring strategies to try to facilitate resolution of the problem(s). That way, the problems may be resolved, AND the pair can be prompted afterwards to debrief the process used, learn the process, and better understand how to be an effective mentoring partnership.

4. Plan a Mismatch Check About One Month After Mentoring Starts

Plan on separately checking with every mentor and protégé starting about a month after mentoring has started. Inquire as to whether they feel their mentoring match is as effective as it needs to be. Ask the protégé first, but if you get an indication of a problem, don't assume it's time for a change, and don't create an expectation of any specific kind of solution as of yet. You have only a part of the whole picture. promise to quickly investigate the situation, and to facilitate a "RESOLUTION".

Check then with the mentor, first asking for their feelings about the usefulness of the match, BEFORE sharing ant protégé concerns. When one member of the pair says the match is not working, explore the reasons and decide if:

• The problem can be resolved, or at least that an attempt to resolve it is needed.
• A new match is needed.

5. Discussing the Possibility of a Mismatch

Repeat the same message (no fault, etc.) when discussing a possible mismatch as was given when the original match was made. Repeat that same message again, just before inquiring if the match is working and again when you decide that a match must be dissolved and a new match made.

Your purposes are several:

• You want to ensure that the best support is provided every protégé.
• You want to dissolve ineffective matches as early as possible, and create a better situation.
• You want to end inappropriate matches but without doing damage to the dignity of either party.
• You also want to teach both the mentor and the protégé that the growth and success of a learner is the most important thing in your organization. It is so important that whatever time is needed will be spent and whatever difficulty must be faced will be resolved.

6. Actually Dissolving the Mismatch

To make sure that everyone understands the concepts explained above, say these messages explicitly during mentor and new teacher training and at the time when it is necessary to dissolve a mentoring pair. Do not assume that it is understood. Address it directly more than once.

When it becomes necessary to dissolve a mentor-protege match, the PROGRAM should own the problem, not the mentor or protégé. That's part of what makes it a "no-faulty" situation.

Describe the "bind" that the program is in regarding matching and explain why the program has to do what it has, even though it sometimes means that a less-than-ideal match is made and needs to be remade.

Such as message must be framed and delivered very carefully. Your goal is to maintain as much as possible the dignity of the participants while arranging a better match. Even though you may have carefully studied the specific problems of this pair, your insights are limited by their own awareness levels of the problem, and by what they will tell you. NEVER assume you have the full picture, and you will honestly be able to say what you need to say. Here's one way it can be said to a protégé and a mentor.

"When the program made the match originally, we wanted to do so as soon as we could. We did that because we believe that protégés deserve mentoring support from the very start. Had we waited until we had all the information we have now, you (the protégé) might of had no support all of that time. We believe that's not right.

Never-the-less, this desire to make matches as soon as possible means that sometimes we don't have all the information we really need for the optimal match. That's why we check with every mentoring pair about this time to see how the match "feels", and it's why we assume not all matches will turn out to be appropriate."

Regarding what a mentor program leader could specifically say to a mentor who is being removed from a mismatch situation, try saying...

" It would not be fair to you or useful for the protégé for our program to keep a mentor matched to a protégé who does not need the specific strengths and experience that you (the mentor) have to offer. That's why we are seeking a different mentor for your protégé. When we can find a protégé whose needs and will choose to benefit from your specific strengths and experience, we will certainly ask you to be a mentor again and to mentor that person."

If you were the mentor being removed from a mismatch, wouldn't you feel a lot better hearing that? Yes you would, because it assumes you are doing the best you can (you probably ARE) and it maintains your professional dignity.

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